November is winding down...
I think we all, Leiya, Tony, Tetsu, even Takumi and Julieta and I were trying to make decisions from the other person's point of view. I was happy to go to the States if I could be of some help though I didn't want to put anyone at risk by going through airports and being on airplanes. Tony had really been pushing for both Tetsu and me to come, not so much to see the baby maybe as to see what their new house is like and where they live now. Takumi and Julieta were trying to arrange time off and travel to Indiana so that they could come for a day or two while I was there. And Tetsu though he is very excited about becoming a grandfather, felt it was my place to go alone and be of use and that he wouldn't be much help. Leiya just wanted us to come and meet the baby, but she was also rather realistic saying that in the dead of winter there wouldn't be anywhere to go and we'd all be housebound (well, with a newborn you usually are!) and she'd almost rather we came in the spring when we could do things, maybe Covid would have settled down, and Tetsu could play around out in their new garden while I did baby care... Leiya made the final call. I will NOT be going to Indiana in December nor in the winter months.
In Japan, it is traditional that mothers-to-be head home to their parents a couple of months before a baby is born. When I first came to Japan this was a surprise to me because I'd think the poor father was just getting left out of all that baby preparation (maybe in those days he WANTED to be left out). Then the baby would be born and the father would come from wherever he lived and "visit" at the wife's family home. He might come on weekends if he lived close enough or he might just be able to make one trip while the mother and baby stayed at the parents. Again, I thought this rather unfortunate because I believe in family bonding and think that the father should be as involved in baby care as the mother.
Added to this was the Japanese belief that a new mother shouldn't touch water for the first month after her baby is born and that a new born baby should not leave the house until after the one month check-up. This is where it is necessary for the new mother to go back to her parents house. She is taken care of, the grandmother does all the cooking and laundry, and baby and mother are protected from germs in the world I guess...
When our first baby was born I chose NOT to go back to my parents house and I was considered quite revolutionary at the time.
"What! You're not going back home? You mother isn't even going to come and stay a couple of months to help you? Oh my gosh! You plan to have your husband be at the delivery!!!"
We lived in a very small town and Tetsu was the first father present at birth at that hospital. I can't say that I felt undue anxiety having my baby in a country foreign to me without family nearby, but Tetsu's mother did come to stay with us for the first few months. Her presence was difficult in some ways (she didn't like western food... She didn't approve of the crib I had arranged for the new baby) but she was a god-send in the end. As I've mentioned in past posts, our first baby passed away from illness nearly two months after she was born. Tetsu's mother did all the baby's hospital laundry (yes, in Japan that was still the practice 38 years ago) and her hand washing sparkled and amazed even the nurses at the hospital.
We had moved to a new city by the time Takumi was born and this time the hospital wouldn't let Tetsu attend the birth ("that's okay. I've seen it before." "It is NOT for your viewing pleasure!") I admit that I was probably a frantic, perfectionist new mother (the first experience was traumatic) and even now I consider it God's grace that Takumi turned out to be a rather normal young man. I OBSESSED about doing the absolute best for this baby! I took breast-feeding to a religious level, monitoring my food intake, watching Takumi's complexion for impurities in my own diet. I hung on the words of a breast-feeding specialist who took me under her wing and I went nearly daily for advice and breast massages and instruction on baby care.
When Leiya was born 4 years later (Tetsu again, not allowed attendance) we were in another city and this time I had to figure out the breast-feeding by myself. And maybe by that time I was a bit more relaxed about baby care. I think I took both Takumi and Leiya back to California when they were each about 5 months old... (Though for both grandchildren, my mother did come to visit during her summer vacation when they were a couple months old). Tetsu's mother was NEVER comfortable with baby care and couldn't imagine being left alone with her grandchildren. (But she was forever great at cleaning!)
So I wonder about my role with my grandson... Tony's mother has offered to take off time from work to spend as much time as needed helping with the new baby and she is thrilled. I expect that Tony, who has so many hospital cases, won't have a lot of time free at home. From the Japanese point of view I feel I'm shirking my grandmotherly duties by not being by my daughter's side, but actually she is quite capable and independent and it is not a matter of needing me as wanting to share with me... which we will do online in this era of technology...
I so love your photo and THE sign, a dilemma but with Covid so rampant in US, you are wise to stay home meantime and decide later.You have done so well to have 3 more babies, some mothers cannot the thought of another loss.Keep us posted of any news or decision.XXX as a grandparent, this is the best graduation of all, and with my two now at 23 and almost 19, I still have the greatest delight and pride to be " Nanny",
ReplyDeleteI had my daughter in Japan in 1984 and had a similar experience. One stayed in the hospital for a week and had baby care classes whilst practicing on one's own baby. My mother in America did not come, so my Japanese MIL came for a month to help. That worked out well and since she had three sons, she was thrilled to be able to do this. My son was born in 1988 in America and I had him with a midwife in a hospital birthing room. He was born 15 minutes upon arrival at the hospital and we checked out six hours later! It could not have been more different than my Japan experience. Becoming a grandma was wonderful and I flew to be with my daughter to help out both times. It does not matter when you go. You will be of huge help and very welcomed. And.. technology is a true blessing for those of us grandparenting from afar. I am excited and happy for you!
ReplyDeleteNot long now till the birth of your grandson. I feel for you all both in the US and Japan, having to make the decision to go or not to, but it is safer to stay home until this dreadful virus is under control. With today's technology, lots of video calls will introduce you to your new grandson. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteTanya, your decision to stay home, while heartbreaking that you won't see the new baby, is a very smart decision. My husband was in Public Health for 37 years and says it is dangerous to go anywhere right now. We are having an incredible surge in cases here, and that won't take into account all the people who travelled unwisely over Thanksgiving. Also, given our age, it is even less smart to travel. The good news is we have Skype these days and can armchair travel anywhere. Of course it doesn't replace the feeling of holding a newborn in your arms, especially your first grandchild, but it's for everyone's safety. You also need to take into account what would happen if you got sick while in the states. Think of Tetsu being at home and not able to be with you. There WILL be a vaccine - we just have to be patient and above all, smart.
ReplyDeleteMy first daughter, expected April 1st was born in mid February. Every day I had to take milk to the hospital and didn't even get to hold her until a few days before she came home. Paul was out of town when #2 was born and in NY when #3 was born. The only time he ever showed up at the hospital was when #5, my first son, was born, and though not there for the birth, went a bit crazy over a son at last. When #6 was born, he was back in Japan and I was in NJ. My own mother said, "I raised all my kids myself. Don't expect any help from me". I guess she forgot that I was her live-in babysitter. I did have a wonderful MIL and my daughters were the best support too. I have yet to meet my youngest granddaughter and she will be 2 in December. I was being pressed to travel to the states over the year end holidays, but this doesn't seem a very good time to travel. Hopefully this pandemic won't go on forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful for modern technology so you can see him, hear him, sing and speak to him... When you do finally see him in person he will already know your voice. Big hugs to you!
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